A Breakup and Some Advice

I recently have gone through a rough breakup, and I will spare you details. I will also try to be gender neutral with my advice, but I am a woman and thus my advice will probably be more helpful to other women.

• Know when to walk away. I can't tell you how to know, but just know.
• But don't beat yourself up because you stayed. No one says "Well this has been nice, let's end it now before it gets worse." It's okay that you fought.
• Don't go back. It fucking hurts, and you will have those moments, but get some headphones, get some music (Nicki Minaj's "The Pinkprint" is what is helping me) and you stay the hell away.
• It's okay to be sorry, it's okay.
• It's okay to cry.
• It's okay to drink a few times.
• It's okay to eat some cake.
• It's okay to flirt with other people just purely for fun.
• It's okay to call your friend at one in the morning and cry.
• It's okay.
• Don't let someone hurt you twice.
• If you are a bitch you own that and you be okay with it.
• If you are emotional you own that and you be okay with it.
• Go out, at least once to forget.
• Focus on yourself, you are important.
• Sleep alone, and while doing this realize you are doing it. Don't wish you were with someone else, realize how warm your blanket is, realize how big your bed is, realize that you are comfortable, and realize that it's okay to be happy by yourself.
• Make some goals, for no one other than your damn self.
• Listen to Beyonce. 
• Curse, and vent, and yell, and bash, and enjoy yourself while you do it.
• If you're like me, you will get spiky and cold and pretty bad ass, so you rock that.
• And if you're the opposite and you get sad and emotional and express yourself with crying and become the sweetest little kitten, you rock that too.
• Dress nice.
• Do your makeup and hair nice.
• Let you ooze yourself, you should be sweating you, whatever you is.
• Fight.
• Spit.
• Scream.
• Curse.
• Don't take anyone's shit, you probably spent the entire relationship doing that.
• Cry if you need to.
• Stay in if you want.
• Wear pajamas all day once a week and watch a movie, alone.
• Deny the calls.
• Delete the texts.
• Don't let yourself become the "I don't want to be official but I still want you to be basically my partner without any of the hardships" one.
• Don't go back.
• Ever.
• Never.
• You deserve better, and you will give yourself better.
• Realize that no one's perfect, and you weren't either.
• But just because that's the case does not mean you have to forgive and forget everything.
• Say sorry, and move on.
• Forgive, but don't forget.
• DON'T FORGET.
• Music is important.
• Channel EVERY SINGLE EMOTION into SOMETHING. Write, draw, play, dance, take those pissed off, sad, angry, pitiful feelings and you pour them into anything. (If you do, tweet me @IncoercibleLife or share it on tumblr or on my facebook because we can all be upset and inspired.)
• You will get better. I promise. <3

What Anxiety is: Trigger Warning.

What anxiety is.

Anxiety is when you think you left the stove on,

But you can’t logic it away.

So you sit there asking everyone if they remember you turning it off.

And even if they say yes, how do they really know?

So you stop asking because you’re becoming a nuisance.

And you sit there wondering if it really is off.

And it bites at you every time to try to push it away.

Sit.

Sit.

Sit.

Bite.

Bite.

Bite.

Finally you get up saying quickly that you have to go.

And you run out to your car.

And you drive at illegal speeds.

And you run to your door.

And you throw it open.

And you push everything out of the way.

And you dart into your kitchen, a sweaty tired mess.

And the stove is off.

And you knew the stove was off.

You have never left your stove on.

And so you sit on your couch still shaking.

But what if you’re wrong?

So you check again.

The stove is still off.

Again you sit on your couch.

You are shaking, and breathing heavily, and you feel as if you will cry.

You get that ache in your throat and suddenly you don’t know what to do with your hands.

Sit.

Sit.

Sit.

Bite.

Bite.

Bite.

What do all of the people you just left think?

They are talking about you.

Talking about how annoying you are.

Talking about how stupid you are.

Oh your throat is getting that ache.

Talking about the idiot who left the party because their stove might be on.

Sit.

Sit.

Sit.

Bite.

Bite.

Bite.

Now you are really shaking.

Your hands are twittling.

Your chest is now tight.

Did you forget your stuff at the party?

Well of course not, your keys are attached to your wallet which is attached to your purse.

And you needed your keys to drive home.

But are you sure?

Yes, you are sure.

Hmmm, but what if you took your keys out of your bag before you left?

No, you have never done that in your entire adult life.

Oh, but what if you did it this time?

If so, now you have to go back to see all of those people.

You will have to look at them and explain how much of an idiot you are.

Sit.

Sit.

Sit.

Bite.

Bite.

Bite.

And so you get up frantically with that ache in your throat growing.

And you run out to your car.

And you throw open the door.

And sitting there is all of your stuff.

You were right, my apologies.

Inside the house you go.

And on the couch you sit.

And now think about those people who you will have to see.

They think you’re stupid!

They know you’re stupid!

THEY KNOW THAT YOU ARE AN IMBILSUL.

THEY ARE FULLY AWARE OF YOUR FEARS.

sit.

sit.

sit.

BITE.

BITE.

BITE.

And NOW you are CRYING.

And NOW you are PULLING your HAIR.

And NOW you are DRY HEAVING.

And NOW you are POURING SWEAT.

And NOW your WORLD is CRUMBLING.

And NOW your HANDS have NOTHING to do.

And NOW all your THOUGHTS are CONSUMED.

They HATE you.

You are an IDIOT.

You silly ANXIETY RIDDEN CHILD.

They will NEVER be CLOSE to you.

Shake.

Shake.

Shake.

Heave.

Heave.

Heave.

Pull.

Pull.

Pull.

GNAW.

GNAW.

GNAW.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It passes.

You’re lying on your couch now.

You have lost some clothing.

You’re in the fetal position.

You have sweat through everything.

Maybe you have thrown up.

You have a sore scalp.

Maybe there are some hairs in your fingers.

And now you will lay there.

And now you will feel depression.

And now you won’t respond.

And now you will be sat on.

And you will now just stare at nothing.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Heavy.

Heavy.

Heavy.

Water, Christmas, and Tea

I hope you all are having a merry Christmas and happy holidays! Did you know that there are people who don't have water? They have no drinking water, no water to grow food, and often times daughters are taken out of school so that they may go and get water for the family. You may want to help with this, and you can. Numi Tea has a hashtag on twitter and instagram that is #4H2OPE and if you post a picture of water being enjoyed they will donate a dollar to a charity that helps give those who don't have it water. If you want more info please go to http://www.numitea.com/h2ope/ and read up!

Have a very happy holiday and appreciate the water you have. Ps updates and Christmas haul will be up tomorrow!

Paint pens.

If you follow the news, you probably have noticed that there is a lot happening in America currently. It's not happy either, which sucks because.... it just does. It's sad and just.... So I have taken the very juvenile step of ignoring it because I can. I don't live it so I can ignore it right now, and normally I hate that, but I'm doing it.

My depression has been pretty prominent, and my anxiety has been topsy turvy, and I went from school to working every day of the week. Those are my excuses for neglecting my blog, my writing, you, my dear reader, and myself just in general. Which is just bad, and not something you should do. I also have just gone through a breakup so my life went through a lot at once.

But I'm ignoring it. And I will continue to do so, like a very immature child. And that's okay. So let's talk about paint pens.

For my dad's Christmas present I decided to personalize a mug for him. Now my father is a very difficult person to shop for and I had to do something, so I decided to go onto pinterest. Now you should know, I do not craft, I am not a happy homemaker, and I am not artistic. But decorating mugs with sharpie is a popular trend as of late.

IT DIDN'T WORK. I decorated my mug, let it dry for 24 hours, baked it at 350 for two hours, and then went to wash it and all of that work went into it for nothing. I was so sad, I had spent so much time trying to make this beautiful mug, I had gone and bought a mug he would like, thought of a plan to decorate it, and then it all washed away. So to the internet I went, where I found that you should use oil based paint sharpies to get the best result. So that is what I did, again I went out, bought these sharpies, and came home. I am pretty much out of time, so this has to work at this point. Again I decorated after scraping off the old plain sharpie. At this point I'm a little pissed and pretty desperate. After I decorate this stupid mug I go to bake it. It bakes for two hours, and then I go to pull it out.

It smudged. It f*cking smudged. My second three plus hour attempt and it smudged. So now I'm really pissed. This mug is no longer being made with love, this mug is being made with the anger that it better work or someone's head will roll. This mug is now being made with spite, with anger, with this unnatural determination and desperation. So I touched up the mug. I made it better. I made it prettier. I made it with a fury in my soul while speaking to it and saying that if it didn't work I would end its tiny mug life and smash it into a million pieces.

So in the 350 degree oven the mug sits, for about six more minutes. And in six minutes I will learn if my mug is going to be smashed onto the ground or given to my father by his loving daughter.

I will come back with updates and photos.

Stupid people are stupid.

So in a class we were discussing an essay to do with gender roles today, and I witnessed the most annoying thing I think I've ever seen in my life. But before we go into that, let me explained gender roles.

Gender roles are roles played out that are assigned to a specific gender. In American history some gender roles have been women staying home with children, or men working. The problem with gender roles is they do not continue to stay a "role" and they ultimately become what a gender is. They begin to be the gender. Gender roles are harmful to everyone, and yes that includes men! We do not look at how gender roles affect men (In America at least) and we more focus on how they harm women. And gender roles do harm women, but also men.

How do gender roles harm people? And more specifically, how do they harm men? Well we are all pretty aware of the effect gender roles have had on women; they have allowed women to be forced to do things that they do not want to do (ex. staying home, no voting rights, and some more serious things like marrying men who they don't want to marry). They have led to many females being forced to stay home, being harassed, having no say in government, and have led to countless minds being told that they are nothing but a meal maker. BUT they hurt men too! Many men are made to believe this idea that you have to be a certain way to be a man; you have to be aggressive, you have to belittle women, but not so much that you don't have a woman, you have to be good at sports, you have to be a "man's man" and if you like to spend time with women you either have to be trying to seduce them or you are automatically homosexual and "girly." This is harmful. This is teaching society that being a woman is one thing and being a man is another and they are two completely different things that have nothing in common. Yet, we have a lot in common. We are people.

Everyone you meet has thoughts. Everyone you meet needs air. Everyone you meet needs food and water. Everyone you meet will form an opinion on you. Everyone you meet will have an opinion formed about them by you. Everyone you meet is trying to survive in this world. Yet, here we are separating people due to whether they have a penis or vagina, and if they are not separated they have to be reproducing. Because to be a man you must be focused on sex, and to be a woman you must be open to sex but not demand it.

So why do we polarize things? Why do cats and dogs hate each other? Why is it men against women? Why do we have "all a certain gender" schools? Why do we send boys to an all boys camp and girls to another? And why do we teach these boys and girls that being with someone of the other gender must be sexual or romantic? I have many male friends, and every single time I go out with them someone says "You make a cute couple" or "Hey nice girlfriend" or "I didn't know you had a boyfriend!" I don't, he is my friend, surprising I know. We make opposites up; we teach everyone that men and women are completely different creatures. When we are young children we don't realize that someone is a boy or girl and that they are different, we are taught that. This is why gender roles are harmful, because we are not only telling people who to be, we are telling them that those who are not like them cannot be trusted.

Now the reason I bring this up is because today, while discussing this essay that attacks male gender roles, someone went "Well is the author gay?" Then someone else commented "He's really feminine." Just let this sink in. It was just read that gender roles are harmful and being told that being a man is one thing, and nothing else, is hurtful, yet someone commented that the author was not a man.

THIS is why gender roles are harmful.

So proud

So two very important days were back to back and that was mental health awareness day on October 10 and national coming out day on October 11. And if you researched mental health or came out or anything on either of those days I want you to know that I am very proud of you.

Mental health awareness day is a day that I think it very important. As someone who has a lot of history with mental disease I find it very difficult and worrying how few people know about different diseases. It's concerning how often I have to explain what a mental disease is and what it entails, and even more concerning when people don't realize how much an impact those diseases have on a life. The problem with mental illnesses is that you don't see them, and they are often thought as "Well just get over it." When you are delusional, or have a dysmorphia, or a coping problem, or whatever you have it be, you don't just get over it. If you know someone going through this please research, educate yourself, especially if they are counting on you for support. Even research ways you could help or advice or something to answer a question they may have. And please, never tell someone to just get over it or that their disease isn't real. Please also realize that when you say "Oh my God my OCD is soooo bad today! lol!" or "I'm so ADD today!" or "She is totally bipolar" that is the equivilent of saying "I got a haircut and look like I have cancer." Shocking to hear when it is about a disease that everyone finds serious isn't it? People suffer from OCD and ADD and Bipolar Disorder and you have no right to make that disease a laughing matter.

Now for national coming out day! If you came out good for you! And if you are in the closet that's okay too! I'm proud of you either way! National coming out day really shows how far we are coming with the LBGT community, and we should all really appreciate how hard it is to come out and to share your sexuality. Even if you are straight, you should appreciate this extremely difficult and scary process.

If you have a family who accepted you you should be extremely happy and proud of them, and if your family did not accept you, know that there are tons of other people, including me, who do. I am so proud of you for being able to love yourself and know that you are important.

If you need to talk please feel free to go to my Tumblr, incoerciblelifeblog.tumblr.com and message me about anything you want/need. I am always open to chat. I love all you special munchkins, whether you are LBGT, supporting of LBGT, suffering from a mental illness, or know someone who is and I hope you all are so happy. <3

To anyone who looks at other people as object.

Most of you, I hope, have heard about the recent allegations against the youtuber Sam Pepper. I saw a tweet by Jack Howard saying "Please don't watch Sam Pepper's new video" and not knowing what it was about I immediately went to see what it was (this was before there was talk about it). I couldn't get through one minute of it. What is funny is that about a day after this I had an old man come up to me in a store, the only moment I was alone (looking for socks), and say "And what's your name?" Then as I smiled politely and walked away he called me a pretty nasty name. I was upset and I wanted to leave the store, especially when an employee who obviously did not hear the situation said "Oh well, he probably just thought you worked hear. Did you hear what he said?" I felt ashamed, I felt uncomfortable, and I lied saying I had not heard what he had said to me.

I'm bringing these things up because they are important things to realize and pay attention to. Too often we say "Well as long as you know how to defend yourself it's an okay way to live," and it's not. I don't go shopping for you to come up and ask about my day, what I'm looking for, what my name is,  unless you are an employee and your purpose is to assist me if I need assistance. And Sam Pepper's video took this even further.

To the people who see other human's as play things, think. Stop, and think. Because that human is not a play thing for you to go and pull "jokes" on, especially if those "jokes" are assault. I don't really care what your reasoning was (I refused to watch his videos justifying his actions), it was assault. When a person makes it obvious that they aren't interested, don't act like they are wrong for that. They aren't interested in you, for varying reasons. When someone does not sleep with you don't call them names or a prude, they have real reasons as to why they said no. Please don't expect someone to "repay" you for an action that they thoughts you did out of kindness, because the would probably go back and do it themselves. Now, to the person who stopped when someone said no, good on you. To the person who understand when another human isn't interested, thank you. To the person who stands up when another person is hurt or assaulted, you are valued. And no, I haven't had all of these things happen to me personally, but they do happen. They will never stop, but if everyone took a step just declaring that these actions are WRONG we would not only be able to unite and take steps to better the situation, but we would also be able to see who thinks this is okay.

Some videos about this situation: Consent by Jack and Dean, and SupDaily06

I hope you all are doing well and adjusting, I finally am. I also am going to have a bit of a haul, showing what I've bought and maybe how I'm decorating for Halloween? :) Love you munchkins, remember to speak out.