Question

I asked a question on both the blog's Twitter and Tumblr, Tumblr question and Twitter question. Feel free to answer, it may help someone!

Possibly the worst weekend ever.

Hey guys... Sorry I haven't been blogging anything... I had most likely the worst weekend in my life. On Friday I had a massive panic attack because I was watching a movie and the people in it were making intimate noises. I proceeded to freak out, I cried and was shaking and I almost threw up. Then I kept having panic attacks on and off until Sunday and now I just am feeling very withdrawn. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I wanna sit in my bed and sleep. What makes it worse is that last night I had a nightmare that some guy broke into my house and molested me. Fucking great.

I've gone through this a lot, I get anxiety and then instead of going out and doing things that may make me anxious at first but ultimately make me happy, I just don't do anything. This was apparent when my boyfriend asked me to try a video game with him and I said no because other people would be able to see me play. Normally I would totally do it, but I don't want to have another attack. The most annoying thing is I really thought I was over this. I haven't had a massive attack in probably three years, I really haven't had anxiety since I started working again. I haven't had an attack that caused me to have smaller attacks for days in a very long time. One thing that stuck out was every time I thought of someone touching me, just with a hug or whatever, would make me shrink into myself.

Now I kinda feel sad, you know when you can distract yourself and go out and smile but when you are alone you just feel sad? I have that, not crying just very alone. I feel like I'm on an island and no one understands how to help me because I'm speaking another language, so I just get passed by. I feel like my anxiety is getting the best of me, not controlling me but effecting how I feel about everything. This proves to be a major issue when I am sitting in my bed at night just thinking. Plus I keep thinking I hear things and then I get scared and I have no idea what to do, then I calm myself down and realize it was just my head. I have been to therapy and it doesn't really do any good, so maybe someone has gone through this and could help me? It's weird to think that I am asking for help when I normally give the help. Does anyone have any ideas? I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder but I've also never been really open about it. I just feel like I'm living my life in this constant fear and that it isn't helping.

I really don't know what to do. I'm trying to make myself better but I am really easy to excite. Every time I am nervous or scared or unsure about what to do I feel like I am going to throw up and I start to shake. I really need advice, so if anyone could offer anything or help that would be awesome.... I hate living like this. I hate feeling sad and alone and scared, I hate being nervous and jumpy at everything. I can't deal with it anymore. So if someone could help that would be nice.... Maybe just how you went about getting help for yourself, or how you overcame your issue. I really have no idea what to do because I've always lived by the "Just calm down" policy. But that really doesn't work for me, I act in this totally irrational way and I can't do anything about it. I strike out at people, I cry, I shake, I get sick, I start sweating to the point where there is literally sweat beading down me yet I'm freezing, I get scared at the idea of someone trying to comfort me, I tense up, I curl up into a ball, I act in ways that aren't considered normal, especially in such a stupid situation. I am slowly getting myself to do more and I'm trying the "Fake it till you make it" approach but I really don't know what to do when it comes to the aftermath and attacks. I could use some advice if anyone has any to offer.
Hope your weekend/week was better than mine! :/

Change

Change is something that constantly happens and I hate it. But people change, which is okay. Sometimes they don't change for the good, which is okay. Sometimes change hurts, which is okay. Change is the only thing in life that will constantly stay the same. There are a few things that don't change though, love is one. Even though you may not love who someone is now, you may have loved who they were. Which is nice, to always love who someone was. I don't really know how we know the people we love won't change but we do. We know that deep down they will always be the person we care about, and as long as they don't hurt us I think we keep loving them. My theory is that when you love someone you don't love them because they love you, or because they give you what society says you should have, but because you just love them. You love who they are, how they think, how they not only treat you but those around you. I think that is how you know you love someone and that they won't change. Is that at their core they are what you consider a good person.
I always say "You aren't perfect, but you are perfect for me." And it's true, someone you like isn't perfect, you should never believe someone is perfect, because they aren't, neither are you, but you can think someone is perfect for you. I think the best kind of love is being able to look at someone and say "Hey, you are acting this way." And instead of getting mad when someone says it you should say "I trust them, they love me, I should look at myself." If you look at yourself you may end up saying "They were right!" Instead of ignoring them, the person you care about leaving, and you ending up saying "Shit they were right and the person I love is gone."
Don't expect that just because someone loves you that they will stay no matter what, people have limits. Respect those limits and you will have a great relationship with others.
-J

My story and psychology

I wrote this paper for my psychology course and thought you guys might want to read it. (It got a 100)

I know a little girl who witnessed her mother have schizophrenic episodes and suffer from bipolar disorder. From an early age this little girl was exposed to this disease and watched her mother refuse medication. This little girl would, and still does, as much research about the disease as possible. It was her greatest fear, becoming her mother and refusing the one thing that would help her because she didn’t realize there was anything wrong with her. This little girl would read and slowly learned that she herself could end up with this disease one day. Her genetics allowed this to be possible and there was nothing she could do about it.

That scared her most I think, that she couldn’t do anything because if you get it you get it. You can take your medication but you can’t be forced to, but this girl learned something else. That being raised by her mother would have increased the likelihood, and she was raised by her father. The problem with genetics is that they are very hit or miss, you can get the good ones or the bad ones. Then you have to question how much of it was socially influenced, how much of a mental disease is decided on by the way you live your life.

This is the real question. This girl’s mother was addicted to drugs, an alcoholic, and refused help, so how much of this influenced her disease? Was her disease caused by drugs or was it genetic? And could this girl still get it? What if this girl never did drugs or drank, would that keep her clear of it? This is the problem with genetic diseases, it’s very hard to see where and why the genetics started and what is really genetic. Schizophrenia is terrifying and really detrimental because schizophrenics never think something is wrong them, but would her mother have gotten the disease if she stayed away from drugs? The girl isn’t schizophrenic or bipolar, so is there still a chance of her becoming one or both? If her mother would have avoided all of the things she had done, would she have gotten so bad? This is the problem with pin-pointing behaviors to genetics; because I’m that girl and I’m nothing like my mother. So do I just not have the genetics, or was my mother’s disease caused by drug abuse? It really isn’t known, and probably won’t be known unless I get it, and even then I could have the gene and it just never came out.

-J <3

Weekly (?) Wish

Okay so with today's weekly wish some stuff I own and some I am going to own. First, I bought great boots from Modcloth

They are a little bit big on my calves but that is because I have tiny calves (Is that how you spell that part of your leg?). You can find them here along with the gift I bought my little sister for her birthday. Will tell you how that goes over, I really love the boots. They are fake leather, and already feel broken in, not stiff at all. I would totally recommend them, but again the calf is a hint too big. I also am digging sticky notes, I use them to stay organized and remember what I have to do, but I use colorful ones like this to keep my work-space fun. Plus once I achieve the task on a sticky note I get to rip it off the wall. What I'm planning to do, once I get more organized, is make a sticky note chart of the things I have to do because it helps me stay on track. And I am really bad at focusing so they help. 

Now onto the things I want; this clock from vinylclockwork because it looks awesome. Here is their Twitter, I think they are kinda awesome and really want a clock. So that may be the next purchase, it seems like something my brother would like so birthday gift for sure. I also love all the pictures at Wild Hoofbeats and am planning at purchasing a picture from them. Something I have but want more of is the bracelets from Frosted Willow. 

As you can see I have a vine, a key, and an elephant because elephants are good luck. 

One more thing if you aren't using Spotify for music you are missing out. I love it. I think that's everything, what is some stuff you guys have that is awesome? Would love to hear. 

-J

Sit down, pipe down, shut it down.

So today I witnessed someone totally belittle abuse so that they could prove their point and I am sooooooo angry. There are so many thing I am angry about in this situation but the one you should be concerned with is that someone took harming a child because they simply don't like someone else. This person took such a serious accusation/situation and threw it around like it didn't matter. Guess what, IT DOES MATTER. How dare anyone ever take such a serious subject and make that accusation because they just "Have a feeling." You know what, when you have proof and a witness and the child is afraid of the person you are speaking about THEN you can say something. When there is no proof, when the people around that child and person do not support it, when the child's behavior does not support it, and when you are saying it simply because you hate the person, you should shut it. But how dare anyone decide they want to take abuse or hurting a child and use it because they want to be right. You are not only making a serious accusation for your bullshit reason, you are taking something that has effected so many people's lives and belittling it. Who the hell thinks that's right?! When people do this it infuriates me! Not just with abuse either, people use things like "Oh she's anorexic" or "That person is bipolar" and don't realize THIS IS A SERIOUS THING. These are things that effect people on a daily bases and they are problems. Just because it doesn't effect you doesn't mean it isn't effecting someone else and you do not have any right to make any assumption that abuse or disease is happening, unless you have a certified, up to date, license. If you have a serious reason, okay fine (i.e. the child is afraid of person, the person is violent, others also have problems with this person, others believe abuse to be happening, the person has a history of violence), but if you are pulling it out of your ass then you need to shut the hell up. I cannot stand when people take these things lightly, they are not light, they are problems. They are diseases, they are issues, they effect people daily, so don't you dare belittle it. No one has any right to make these situations any less than they are because you are insulting those who go through said situations. Do not ever say someone hurt a child unless you have proof and do not EVER say it just because you don't like that person and want to smite them. Abuse is real, it should not be used for your advantage and petty purpose, and it should not be accused because you don't like someone.
Hope your day is going better than mine
- (a very p.o.-ed) J

How do you stay positive?

Our Twitter question about negativity, and how you stay positive. Go answer!
-J

Positive energy

Okay so I have written something inspirational, but it came from anger so I'm waiting to cool off before I post it. I'm scared that if I post it I will end up regretting it, so I am going to wait a couple of days.
Either way, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. Busy, so many papers. I have to say you guys are really my motivation to get my butt going. I want to be an inspiration to someone who has had a rough life and that is my goal. To do something with this life and make a difference. I think I want to talk about negative people.
My favorite saying is that misery loves company. I try my hardest to be positive because I think the best response is smiling, and I would rather be happy than live with a scowl. When someone insults you you look at them and say something a little sarcastic and smile. Just smile. Smiling pisses people off so much, plus it's attractive. Living with a constant scowl makes you age horribly and just look miserable, who wants that? People who smile are so much more approachable too, and normally people do things to get a rise out of you. Which is okay, they can get a rise, but make sure your rise comes out as something positive. Make them realize that they just motivated you to make this world a better place and do it. I was always taught that misery is like the flu, it spreads, so your smile can be the cure. I like to look at things from a comical stance, which can be seen as rude but when someone treats you poorly who cares. I normally look at the situation and chuckle as I say "You have got to be kidding." Because when someone doesn't like you they will come up with the most ridiculous things, and that's okay. Just say (after examining yourself to make sure the claim isn't true of course, because sometimes claims are true and humans always have to improve themselves because we are constantly changing)  "You know what, I like who I am, and I have to live with me longest so yeah, who cares what you think." And that will be that, because you have to live with you longest and you will never get rid of you. I'm not saying love every piece of you, if you have a bad trait realize that trait and try your hardest to get rid of it, but don't hate yourself. Because other people will always do that for you, and that's alright, because hate comes from within. So if someone hates you so much that they are going out of their way to make your life suck just realize that that is their problem and that you can just live and ignore it. Because who cares? I mean really, who cares? I guarantee the only people who will care are people who have never met you, and once they do meet you they will most likely say "Hey, you aren't anything like I thought!" So just smile, because no one can stop your happiness unless you let them.
Remember being positive is a gift and just feels good, so stay positive. :)

Busy

Hey guys, totally bummed I didn't get to post yesterday, going through some changes in life, frazzled. So if I don't write something every day I'm super sorry. So last night I had this horrible dream where my mother was still alive and I screamed at her for abusing me and it just sucked. I woke up freaking out; does anyone else have night terrors? They seem to be my body's way of coping and I kinda hate it. Do you guys think dreams mean anything? I wrote a paper on it for psychology, Freud believed dreams were a glance into the subconscious life. Then again, that was Freud. If they do mean something, or are a glance into forgotten/blocked memories I wish they would just go away. I hate them. I think that it's normal for your body to cope with death in different ways than you think it should though. Night terrors have always been how I coped, I slept on my parents floor until I was 11 because of them. Now I've kinda gotten used to them and even though I hate them, I think I would feel lost without them. They have become a piece of my being, without them I wouldn't be me. Which is a little messed up because half the time I have them I wake up having an anxiety attack, but I think I've learned how to cope. Maybe it isn't good to learn how to live with these problems though? Do you guys live with any problems as a result from death/abuse? I would love to hear some stories on people who fixed them too, it could be inspiring. Hope you guys are having a nice week! -J

Guilt, unhealthy relationships, and loving yourself

So the other day I touched a little bit on the subject of guilt, but not to a great extent. I think that when someone dies or we end a relationship we always feel guilt. Maybe you feel guilty because you couldn't stay longer, or maybe because you feel bad you made someone else feel bad, or just because you couldn't fix it.

When I was younger I always felt guilty I didn't stay and try to fix my mother, I just left. But as I grow as a human and as an individual I start to realize there is no reason to feel guilty for ending a relationship that was unhealthy. Staying in an unhealthy, negative relationship that makes you act/feel in a way you don't like is not only damaging to yourself but also the other person in the relationship. But what happens after we end the relationship can be unhealthy too, normally we blame ourselves and feel bad that we were the one to end the relationship. Feeling this guilt, while natural, is stupid. You cannot have a healthy relationship if you yourself are not healthy around the other half of the relationship. I'm not saying you can't have problems, or be broken, what I'm saying is that when someone brings out the worst in you it's very hard for them to see your best.

When you are in an unhealthy relationship it effects your life as well as other's. And an unhealthy relationship doesn't just constitute how you and that person act together, it constitutes how you act with others. When a certain area of our life is unhealthy it seeps into other areas causing us to just be this big, black cloud that ruins everyone's day. This causes people to be around you less and you to love yourself less, and no one can love you if you don't love yourself.

Loving yourself can be pretty hard though, we see the worst of us and barely ever remember the best. Also you probably hate yourself more than anyone else; I mean think about it when you look in the mirror, you see and try to fix every flaw. You see things that aren't even there and barely ever tell yourself good job, so how can you love yourself? Well I don't think you should ever love yourself so that you find no flaws, because then you will not grow as a human being. But you should look at yourself and try to find one thing that you love. Ignore any negative that comes out for this moment and hold on to that thing you love, no matter how small. Now you love a tiny little piece of yourself, and like misery, love grows.

If you end a relationship and feel guilty just remember, you have to love yourself first. If you can't love yourself no one else can. So if you are going through the end of a relationship take a little piece of you and love it. Don't feel bad that you put yourself first because not liking who you are will be the end of you. When you lose the person you like being you lose yourself and it takes a long time to find you again. So if you feel guilty that's okay, just remember you have to love yourself.
-J

I have horrible spending habbits

So I just went shopping and spent a whopping $150 dollars..... Work hard, play hard right? I bought more of my sugar scrub from Bath & Body Works, along with a body mist, a pair of special shea infused socks, a nail file, two lip glosses, a night-time repair gloss, a lotion in a glass bottle so that was expensive, and a pillow spray. Yes, I bought perfume for my pillow. No, I don't know why, no I didn't need it, no I was not thinking, but now I have it and I will use it dammit.

Even though I'm joking I realize that I am extremely lucky to have a stable job and be able to spend money at my will. Seriously, there are so many people out there who don't have this ability and I really think we forget that. I am so happy I have this great job that I have and that I can do the things I love. I am even more happy that I can use this blog to make a difference and I can take what life has thrown at me and turn it into a positive. I refuse to let my past and fears hold me back, I was dealt these cards and I plan on playing them to the best of my ability. In doing so I hope that other people who were dealt similar cards can look at me and say "Hey, if she can do it so can I." Because you can, you can do whatever you want. Whether that be being an athlete or being a teacher or working in a freaking cubicle! You can do it. Don't ever let anyone tell you you can't, all you need to do is have drive and stay positive.

Hope you all are having a positive day! :)
-J

Fear

Today I'm going to write about being afraid, I was going to write about it last night but for some reason my brain decided it would get the dumb (Anyone else watch Adventure Time?). So I'm going to tell you a little secret, everyone is afraid. Yes, everyone has a fear and if they get rid of that fear it is replaced by a new fear. But, most of us have these great fears because they are pretty logical.

Now you have to know what most people fear is failure, in their life, in their business, in their relationships. My biggest fear though is becoming schizophrenic, and you're biggest fear may be something other than not becoming something. If you are abused maybe your biggest fear is speaking out, if you were abused maybe your biggest fear is one day being your abuser, if you have a family history of mental illness maybe your biggest fear is getting that illness; all of those are logical fears. But you can't let that fear control your life, you have to live in the best way you can. If you are scared to speak out, just know you aren't alone. There are people around you who will help you, just look. If you are afraid of becoming the person who abused you maybe go to therapy, pick up a hobby, make your mind busy. If you have a history of mental illness in your family maybe do a little bit of research and live your life, if you feel something happen go to therapy or a doctor and talk about it. Knowledge is power.

It's tough to be brave and quiet our fears, especially when your fear is not becoming nothing, but what you can become. Fear is something that if we let it control us it can be crippling, if we let this tiny little emotion grow it can take us over. If we fear what we can/might be, we will never become what we were meant to be. So instead of letting fear control you, start doing something you love to do and let that fill you with bravery. I started riding horses and writing, do something that when you  do it, quite frankly, you feel bad-ass. Because the best way to get over fear is doing something that fills us with courage. If you fill your life up with courage the fear has no time to live.

Just know that if you are afraid you aren't the only one who is afraid. You have every right to show your fears who's boss. You can speak up and end your abuse, you can say you need help and get it, or you can learn about what is scaring you and live. Don't ever stop living your life because of fear, and don't ever be afraid to open your mouth because of it.
-J

Motivation

So today seems to be a pretty boring, un-motivated day. All I really want to do is look at ads for horses that are for sale and then dream about buying one and possibly write some of my book that I have been neglecting. BUT I'm a grown up, with an actual grown up life (I say this as I write to people on the internet that I do not know....) who, even on my day off, has work to do because I'm too damn lazy to do it on the days I am working. So today is going to be about motivation. Ughhhhhh.... Okay, ways to motivate yourself. Drink a lot of coffee so you get a fake sense of energy. I, for one, cannot focus when I wake up and just start working, so I like to look at pictures of cats on the internet and laugh. Do that if you want, but you MUST PULL AWAY FROM THE SCREEN. Then drink more coffee then repeat for like an hour. Ugh I'm so un-motivated. Life needs an off switch.

Okay, so I know how I should motivate myself, by motivating you. I'm assuming most of you have lost someone close or maybe not so close, or maybe you had a rough childhood and that is why you like reading my blog... Right? I'm going to tell you about my rough childhood and maybe you can relate and feel not so alone.

I've lived with my father my entire life and I would have weekend visitation with my mother on and off till I was about 13. My mother was a schizophrenic, a drug addict, and probably a little bipolar, and I have to say probably the most terrifying thing is that I could end up schizophrenic.... This is normally where people say "No you won't" and I nod and smile and say "Oh yeah, but still it's a bit scary." Because it is scary, I'm kinda exposed to this disease and I have no idea what could trigger it. I think other people know that, especially my father, and that is why he has tried to keep my life pretty stable.

When I would visit my mother I was exposed to a lot, and some of it I'm not willing to go into because, frankly, I don't want to re-live it. Because my mother was sick I was normally pushed to be an adult at a young age. I was surrounded by strange men, so I would dress and act like a boy, I was rude and crude and it was my defense mechanism. I was by my mother who was drunk most of the time, and on top of it she had episodes. I remember once when I was little she tried to wash my mouth out with soap because I asked for more mac'n'cheese and then didn't eat it all.  She got into a fist fight with her sister in front of me, my younger brother, and my cousin. I came back to my dad with my voice gone from screaming..... I saw a lot. And to this day my way of being okay with it was to pretend it never happened, which is pretty crappy but I'm trying to use my situation to help others now. I didn't tell anyone anything, and when they asked how it was at her house I would say "It was fine." Because I was fine wasn't I? I wasn't bruised that bad, I wasn't broken, I wasn't bleeding, I was fine. I remember one weekend I visited and she went to her boyfriends house to get a tattoo.... She spent the night; leaving me and my brother with my grandmother who was on a respirator. When she came home the next day she kissed him in front of me and I lied and told her I was crying because my fishing pole was broken....

Wanna know the worst part? I have never told anyone other than my father and one therapist that I didn't want to see my mother. I was put through all this s**t and I still cared, I still care to this day. I think that was the worst part, because you always have a connection to your mother. I loved her, she was my mother, she gave birth to me, without her I wouldn't be here. And I mean that in more than a physical way, if my mother, my father, and my honorary mom weren't the people they were I wouldn't be who I am. If my mother hadn't done what she did I wouldn't know that that world even exists. But it does, there are kids who are abused and don't say a word because that is your mother. They go through hell and don't say a word because without them they don't think their mother would survive. So they shut up and quietly live this life that sucks.

What's worse is that after you get through the rough exterior of these kids, hidden deep down, is a little kid who is scared. They're scared that one day they'll go home and their mother or father or family member won't be there; they go home and don't know what they'll find.

So maybe you're going through/been through this, and maybe it didn't effect you in a good way. So I'm going to try and motivate you to speak up. Go to someone you trust, maybe that is a teacher, a friend's parent, or a coach or anyone you trust and say "Listen, this is what's going on in my house and I need help." Because YOU deserve help, and just because you are a kid or underage does NOT mean you can/should take abuse. It will help your parent/family member too. And if you went through something like this and are having trouble coping with it go to therapy. If you decide you can't be around the person who is treating you/acting poorly you don't have to be around them. Just tell someone and get help.

Remember, you deserve to have a voice, it's your life. I don't care if you're a kid, if you are being abused you say something to someone, understand? And if you are an adult and still have that scared little kid inside of you, you get help. I still have that scared little kid in me, hell I don't know if it will ever leave, but it is getting a little bit less afraid and growing up. You have this amazing thing, want to know what it is? You have witnessed this world, you have lived it, and now you have the power to take one of the most negative situations and make it positive. You can do whatever you want with it, you can take it and start helping other kids who are going through the same thing, or you can do something great and be an inspiration for those other kids. Or you can just speak up and save yourself and that in itself is a great achievement. Speak up. It will save you. It saved me from that world.
-J

Edit: Can't believe how many people read this! Really hope it helps someone out there. You have a voice! <3 -J

Ten things life has taught me

So in my life I have learned some things. And I think that one day a week I will share them with you. Here are ten things I have learned from life, week one.

1. Not everyone will like you, and that's okay.

2. Confrontation is terrifying for some of us, but you HAVE to stand up for yourself.

3. Don't brag, it causes you to lose friends and yourself.

4. Don't tear other people down.

5. If someone causes you to act in a way you don't like, don't be around them.

6. DO NOT THROW UP WHEN YOU ARE BEING BULLIED.

7. DO NOT LAUGH WHEN YOU ARE BEING BULLIED.

8. If you are hurt it's okay, but don't be a wimp. 

9. Laugh, it's good for you.

10. Bad things happen to good people; good people do bad things; life can suck. As my father always told me "If this is the worst thing you do/happens to you in life, you've lived a damn good life."

Twitter Question

Question we asked on Twitter. Anyone wanna answer? Figured it's easier to post questions there than here.
-J

Sushi...

So today my dear readers I thought I would have a bite of sushi when I woke up.... It was a mistake. I, a person who loves sushi, almost puked. I don't know what it was, but that night old sushi with my early morning dry mouth was disgusting. I ended up grabbing a Greek yogurt (Greek yogurt got super popular lately hasn't it?) and scarfing it down, and now I'm trying to wash it out with coffee. Really though, Greek yogurt has gotten super popular right? It's like all of the sudden regular yogurt was too boring so we were sprung with Greek. Then again, we ate it up (Pun intended.) But who doesn't like Greek things? Do you think Greeks, or people who live in Greece, notice how great we think they are? Do you think they realize that we are eating their yogurt instead of our own? And do you think that in Greece it is called Greek yogurt? Or just yogurt? And then is our yogurt called American yogurt? This is why I need to travel, to answer the questions about yogurt.

Onto a more serious note, I believe I am going to use today for something deep. I will still keep it funny because things that are serious and emotional always go nicely with comedy. I am going to tell you guys something that only my dear boyfriend knows. Here we go................

I had a hard time when I hit one year after my mother's death.

There, I said it. I had a really rough time. It was hell. It felt a little bit like a relapse. Let me explain, when someone important dies you go through this time that take months where you just feel like utter s**t (excuse my French). Then you finally feel better-ish, not perfect, not normal, better-ish. Then all of the sudden your body remembers that pain; even if you don't remember it something in you does. I didn't cry the day of, I was actually working the day of, but the four days before the year anniversary I was crap. I cried, I slept, I didn't go anywhere, and I didn't tell anyone how I felt. I felt like the day I found out but not as shocked; it felt like I worked so hard to get better and my body just gave up. Keep in mind that I keep things bottled up which doesn't help either.

Now you may be saying "Well.... I don't feel any better about this." Which is okay, because the truth doesn't always make us feel good. This will help though, I got better. I stood up after those four days, I said "I will not feel like s**t anymore," and I got my butt to work. I still felt crummy for a while after that, I still have days where I cry, but it is not every day and THAT is an achievement. I want you all to know that it does get better. And it does take a long freaking time. Actually you will never be perfect. You will most likely always have a tiny little crack deep down and that is okay. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to wake up one day and cry. It's okay. Because you are you and no one will handle death the exact same way you do. It is a cruel, beautiful, hard thing that causes us to grow as people. It is a horrible growth, it is a growth that can take more than one life, it is a growth that makes us feel so alone and abnormal because NO ONE is exactly like anyone else.

If you are having a hard time, if you are feel alone, just know that even though you are handling this in your own way; YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are other people who have had parents die, and even though your situation is unique and no one knows what will happen with your emotions, someone out there has felt this pain. Not the pain you are feeling about the death, because none of that pain is the same as anyone else's, but the pain you are feeling FROM it. That pain that you are weird, and alone and just want it all to kinda disappear, that pain we know. And I am pretty sure that everyone feels guilt when someone else dies, so when people say "Don't feel guilty. It isn't your fault, it's silly to feel guilty" you tell them to shut up (be nicer than that though) and say that you can feel guilty if you want. Because I am sure that deep down inside we know the thing we feel guilty for isn't real, but that doesn't matter. If you feel bad, feel bad, you feel sad, feel sad, you have a day when you're happy, you stay happy, and if you feel guilty you feel that emotion. Because YOU can feel whatever you please, you have to ride out that emotion, you have to say "Body, you can feel this. But I am not going to let this one emotion control me" and you do that. You do NOT let that one emotion control you, you ride it out, and you will come out at the end and say "Hey, look at what I made it through!"

I hope this helps someone, and just know you aren't alone. You will feel these emotions and if you don't think you're getting better go to therapy or a counselor and ask for help. I did, I was in therapy for thirteen years of my life. It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to feel everything, and it's okay to cry. Because as long as you hold on, you will come out battered and bruised, but you will be able to smile and say "I did it."
-J

Questions?

Does anyone have any questions about being home-schooled? Would love to answer them.
-J

Top three Tumblr Blogs

My top three Tumblr Blogs sorry it's not too great yet but I'm still trying to build up! I swear with time it will get better! (And as we get more recognized I will add less to no hashtags!) Hope everyone is having a good day! :)
-J

Coffee

So ever since I've started nannying as a part time job I've realized I always need a cup of coffee when I get home. I now understand why mothers are either really tired or they drink so much caffeine. Mothers how do you do it? I am ready to pass out after only a few hours, I couldn't imagine every day. I love kids, don't get me wrong, but they wipe me out. Do children secretly live off of adults energy? Is there a science to this we don't know about?! The kid I babysit is great but she is tiring, they must live off of other people's energy right? It's insanity, but it's a good one. So new gift idea for moms, buy them some drink with caffeine and a to go cup to put it in. Now you are thinking what a perfect, unoriginal gift idea, this is why you make it original. Decorate the cup yourself if you want! Mom's and honorary mom's love that stuff! :)
-J

Question

So I have a question, is it still cheating if everyone is doing it? For example, when kids look up quick-notes instead of reading the book and then writing the essay, is it still cheating? Everyone else is doing it, so does society adapt and consider this the new norm or do you fail every student because they are lazy?
-J

Weekly wish?

So I'm going to try something out, every Saturday (or maybe it will only be once a month) I am going to give a list of things I want/have and love. Expect to see a lot of stuff from www.modcloth.com because I love it there. I especially love salt and pepper shakers from there.... actually I just love salt and pepper shakers. Look they're freaking dinosaurs!! And they have whales, unicorns, and Star Trek. Though I have never seen Star Trek so that wouldn't be my preference BUT I am not the only human on earth and I'm sure someone out there will love them. I am also in love with my new terrarium

I got this from a shop on Etsy called lovelyterraniums and it's just awesome. I also got a bunch of dried lavender as a gift and it is heaven! I put it over my bead and stuck a bit in my terrarium and it smells sooo good. I have also discovered my love for sugar scrubs! Seriously, that stuff is amazing. I have, you guessed it, a lavender scented scrub that I actually just ran out of. Also if you have no green thumb but you really want a plant somewhere in your house or yard I recommend getting a succulent. I have had mine for a month and I've probably watered it twice.

All I really recommend you do is rotate the plant so each side gets sun and it doesn't grow lop-sided. As you can see it's time for me to rotate mine. I didn't even buy special soil, I think I use starter soil and just bought a clay pot from Home Depot. Just make sure the pot has a hole on the bottom and that you buy a draining tray in case it gets over watered. 

Okay guys, I think that's everything. Remember salt and pepper shakers are awesome, as are terrariums, and succulents. Maybe you can leave some stuff of what you guys like and we could go from there. If you don't like this tell me and we can hide this under millions of other posts and never speak of it again! I live for feedback! :)

-J

Thrift stores

Am I the only one who can't go into a thrift store without buying something? Especially books. I just like the idea of having something that has a story behind it even if I don't know said story. Is that odd? I also like that I can buy everything for cheap, but I swear I could live in a thrift store. Are people reading this? Am I talking to myself? Do other people like thrift stores this much? I can't be the only one. The last time I went to a thrift store I bought a recipe book of only chocolate by Forrest Gump. I plan on blogging about how some of the stuff comes out and maybe putting up some pictures of the finished product. Would anyone like that? It can't be that uninteresting right? Who doesn't like baking and chocolate? I feel like something motivational should be said, but I don't really have anything. Do you guys like thrift stores? Do you have anything inspirational to say? Do you like Forrest Gump? I still have no idea what this blog is about by the way, maybe it will be about life experience, because no one gets enough of that (sarcasm). I think that it's nice to hear about other people's life experiences, it makes us feel a lot less alone. It's kinda silly we feel alone in this big world; I mean to think we are the only ones who have ever made a certain mistake is a little bit selfish in itself. There are so many people, we can never have been the first to make a certain mistake, or go through a type of problem. With that said though, I don't think that any situation is exactly the same. Hey, I guess we found that little inspirational, piece of advice, tidbit thing huh? Any-who, does anyone else like thrift stores? :)
-J

Intros are nice, right?

This is a little bit terrifying I will admit. I don't really know why I'm writing a blog, I think it's because I think maybe someone will see it who needs it. If you are going through a rough time, have trouble with a parent, with family, or just have a pretty crappy life right now, maybe this will help. At this exact moment I am rebuilding relationships with family who I have not spoken with in years. Why you may ask? Well because my mother was a schizophrenic drug addict, and that can cause strain on relationships.

Basically I have lived with my dad my whole life and when I was about two years old my new mom came to live with us. Then they had a baby, and life was pretty great. A year ago my mother died, which was weird. At first I started to laugh, and I said "You're joking right?" Then I slept a lot, and now I'm working on building relationships. So, if you are going through something like this it will feel really crappy. It's going to suck, but it does get better. No it won't always be the same, but it will get better. Just make sure to feel any emotion you want, except like murdering people. Don't do that. Or any other violent action towards a living thing (including yourself), take a boxing class. Did I make you smile a little? Good.

I have been home-schooled since I was in second grade, mainly because I never got to see my dad with his crazy work hours. And as a child who saw her mother go wacky I had some anxiety. To answer questions, yes I have friends, yes I play sports, yes I am going to college, yes I know how to be social, yes I dress like a normal person, no I don't have super long hair, no my family is not super religious, and no I don't think everyone can/should be home-schooled. There are kids who need a lot of structure and don't have parents who can give them the time for that; plus some kids don't listen to their parents. I personally like being home-schooled, and the only B I have ever gotten was in math, so, no, I am not an idiot by a school's standards. :)

I think that's everything for intros, so tell me what you're like, what you think. But please remember that you will not change anyone's views over the internet, so it's best to just respect them.

-J