Hey guys... Sorry I haven't been blogging anything... I had most likely the worst weekend in my life. On Friday I had a massive panic attack because I was watching a movie and the people in it were making intimate noises. I proceeded to freak out, I cried and was shaking and I almost threw up. Then I kept having panic attacks on and off until Sunday and now I just am feeling very withdrawn. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I wanna sit in my bed and sleep. What makes it worse is that last night I had a nightmare that some guy broke into my house and molested me. Fucking great.
I've gone through this a lot, I get anxiety and then instead of going out and doing things that may make me anxious at first but ultimately make me happy, I just don't do anything. This was apparent when my boyfriend asked me to try a video game with him and I said no because other people would be able to see me play. Normally I would totally do it, but I don't want to have another attack. The most annoying thing is I really thought I was over this. I haven't had a massive attack in probably three years, I really haven't had anxiety since I started working again. I haven't had an attack that caused me to have smaller attacks for days in a very long time. One thing that stuck out was every time I thought of someone touching me, just with a hug or whatever, would make me shrink into myself.
Now I kinda feel sad, you know when you can distract yourself and go out and smile but when you are alone you just feel sad? I have that, not crying just very alone. I feel like I'm on an island and no one understands how to help me because I'm speaking another language, so I just get passed by. I feel like my anxiety is getting the best of me, not controlling me but effecting how I feel about everything. This proves to be a major issue when I am sitting in my bed at night just thinking. Plus I keep thinking I hear things and then I get scared and I have no idea what to do, then I calm myself down and realize it was just my head. I have been to therapy and it doesn't really do any good, so maybe someone has gone through this and could help me? It's weird to think that I am asking for help when I normally give the help. Does anyone have any ideas? I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder but I've also never been really open about it. I just feel like I'm living my life in this constant fear and that it isn't helping.
I really don't know what to do. I'm trying to make myself better but I am really easy to excite. Every time I am nervous or scared or unsure about what to do I feel like I am going to throw up and I start to shake. I really need advice, so if anyone could offer anything or help that would be awesome.... I hate living like this. I hate feeling sad and alone and scared, I hate being nervous and jumpy at everything. I can't deal with it anymore. So if someone could help that would be nice.... Maybe just how you went about getting help for yourself, or how you overcame your issue. I really have no idea what to do because I've always lived by the "Just calm down" policy. But that really doesn't work for me, I act in this totally irrational way and I can't do anything about it. I strike out at people, I cry, I shake, I get sick, I start sweating to the point where there is literally sweat beading down me yet I'm freezing, I get scared at the idea of someone trying to comfort me, I tense up, I curl up into a ball, I act in ways that aren't considered normal, especially in such a stupid situation. I am slowly getting myself to do more and I'm trying the "Fake it till you make it" approach but I really don't know what to do when it comes to the aftermath and attacks. I could use some advice if anyone has any to offer.
Hope your weekend/week was better than mine! :/
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