Sushi...

So today my dear readers I thought I would have a bite of sushi when I woke up.... It was a mistake. I, a person who loves sushi, almost puked. I don't know what it was, but that night old sushi with my early morning dry mouth was disgusting. I ended up grabbing a Greek yogurt (Greek yogurt got super popular lately hasn't it?) and scarfing it down, and now I'm trying to wash it out with coffee. Really though, Greek yogurt has gotten super popular right? It's like all of the sudden regular yogurt was too boring so we were sprung with Greek. Then again, we ate it up (Pun intended.) But who doesn't like Greek things? Do you think Greeks, or people who live in Greece, notice how great we think they are? Do you think they realize that we are eating their yogurt instead of our own? And do you think that in Greece it is called Greek yogurt? Or just yogurt? And then is our yogurt called American yogurt? This is why I need to travel, to answer the questions about yogurt.

Onto a more serious note, I believe I am going to use today for something deep. I will still keep it funny because things that are serious and emotional always go nicely with comedy. I am going to tell you guys something that only my dear boyfriend knows. Here we go................

I had a hard time when I hit one year after my mother's death.

There, I said it. I had a really rough time. It was hell. It felt a little bit like a relapse. Let me explain, when someone important dies you go through this time that take months where you just feel like utter s**t (excuse my French). Then you finally feel better-ish, not perfect, not normal, better-ish. Then all of the sudden your body remembers that pain; even if you don't remember it something in you does. I didn't cry the day of, I was actually working the day of, but the four days before the year anniversary I was crap. I cried, I slept, I didn't go anywhere, and I didn't tell anyone how I felt. I felt like the day I found out but not as shocked; it felt like I worked so hard to get better and my body just gave up. Keep in mind that I keep things bottled up which doesn't help either.

Now you may be saying "Well.... I don't feel any better about this." Which is okay, because the truth doesn't always make us feel good. This will help though, I got better. I stood up after those four days, I said "I will not feel like s**t anymore," and I got my butt to work. I still felt crummy for a while after that, I still have days where I cry, but it is not every day and THAT is an achievement. I want you all to know that it does get better. And it does take a long freaking time. Actually you will never be perfect. You will most likely always have a tiny little crack deep down and that is okay. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to wake up one day and cry. It's okay. Because you are you and no one will handle death the exact same way you do. It is a cruel, beautiful, hard thing that causes us to grow as people. It is a horrible growth, it is a growth that can take more than one life, it is a growth that makes us feel so alone and abnormal because NO ONE is exactly like anyone else.

If you are having a hard time, if you are feel alone, just know that even though you are handling this in your own way; YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are other people who have had parents die, and even though your situation is unique and no one knows what will happen with your emotions, someone out there has felt this pain. Not the pain you are feeling about the death, because none of that pain is the same as anyone else's, but the pain you are feeling FROM it. That pain that you are weird, and alone and just want it all to kinda disappear, that pain we know. And I am pretty sure that everyone feels guilt when someone else dies, so when people say "Don't feel guilty. It isn't your fault, it's silly to feel guilty" you tell them to shut up (be nicer than that though) and say that you can feel guilty if you want. Because I am sure that deep down inside we know the thing we feel guilty for isn't real, but that doesn't matter. If you feel bad, feel bad, you feel sad, feel sad, you have a day when you're happy, you stay happy, and if you feel guilty you feel that emotion. Because YOU can feel whatever you please, you have to ride out that emotion, you have to say "Body, you can feel this. But I am not going to let this one emotion control me" and you do that. You do NOT let that one emotion control you, you ride it out, and you will come out at the end and say "Hey, look at what I made it through!"

I hope this helps someone, and just know you aren't alone. You will feel these emotions and if you don't think you're getting better go to therapy or a counselor and ask for help. I did, I was in therapy for thirteen years of my life. It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to feel everything, and it's okay to cry. Because as long as you hold on, you will come out battered and bruised, but you will be able to smile and say "I did it."
-J