Water, Christmas, and Tea

I hope you all are having a merry Christmas and happy holidays! Did you know that there are people who don't have water? They have no drinking water, no water to grow food, and often times daughters are taken out of school so that they may go and get water for the family. You may want to help with this, and you can. Numi Tea has a hashtag on twitter and instagram that is #4H2OPE and if you post a picture of water being enjoyed they will donate a dollar to a charity that helps give those who don't have it water. If you want more info please go to http://www.numitea.com/h2ope/ and read up!

Have a very happy holiday and appreciate the water you have. Ps updates and Christmas haul will be up tomorrow!

Paint pens.

If you follow the news, you probably have noticed that there is a lot happening in America currently. It's not happy either, which sucks because.... it just does. It's sad and just.... So I have taken the very juvenile step of ignoring it because I can. I don't live it so I can ignore it right now, and normally I hate that, but I'm doing it.

My depression has been pretty prominent, and my anxiety has been topsy turvy, and I went from school to working every day of the week. Those are my excuses for neglecting my blog, my writing, you, my dear reader, and myself just in general. Which is just bad, and not something you should do. I also have just gone through a breakup so my life went through a lot at once.

But I'm ignoring it. And I will continue to do so, like a very immature child. And that's okay. So let's talk about paint pens.

For my dad's Christmas present I decided to personalize a mug for him. Now my father is a very difficult person to shop for and I had to do something, so I decided to go onto pinterest. Now you should know, I do not craft, I am not a happy homemaker, and I am not artistic. But decorating mugs with sharpie is a popular trend as of late.

IT DIDN'T WORK. I decorated my mug, let it dry for 24 hours, baked it at 350 for two hours, and then went to wash it and all of that work went into it for nothing. I was so sad, I had spent so much time trying to make this beautiful mug, I had gone and bought a mug he would like, thought of a plan to decorate it, and then it all washed away. So to the internet I went, where I found that you should use oil based paint sharpies to get the best result. So that is what I did, again I went out, bought these sharpies, and came home. I am pretty much out of time, so this has to work at this point. Again I decorated after scraping off the old plain sharpie. At this point I'm a little pissed and pretty desperate. After I decorate this stupid mug I go to bake it. It bakes for two hours, and then I go to pull it out.

It smudged. It f*cking smudged. My second three plus hour attempt and it smudged. So now I'm really pissed. This mug is no longer being made with love, this mug is being made with the anger that it better work or someone's head will roll. This mug is now being made with spite, with anger, with this unnatural determination and desperation. So I touched up the mug. I made it better. I made it prettier. I made it with a fury in my soul while speaking to it and saying that if it didn't work I would end its tiny mug life and smash it into a million pieces.

So in the 350 degree oven the mug sits, for about six more minutes. And in six minutes I will learn if my mug is going to be smashed onto the ground or given to my father by his loving daughter.

I will come back with updates and photos.

Stupid people are stupid.

So in a class we were discussing an essay to do with gender roles today, and I witnessed the most annoying thing I think I've ever seen in my life. But before we go into that, let me explained gender roles.

Gender roles are roles played out that are assigned to a specific gender. In American history some gender roles have been women staying home with children, or men working. The problem with gender roles is they do not continue to stay a "role" and they ultimately become what a gender is. They begin to be the gender. Gender roles are harmful to everyone, and yes that includes men! We do not look at how gender roles affect men (In America at least) and we more focus on how they harm women. And gender roles do harm women, but also men.

How do gender roles harm people? And more specifically, how do they harm men? Well we are all pretty aware of the effect gender roles have had on women; they have allowed women to be forced to do things that they do not want to do (ex. staying home, no voting rights, and some more serious things like marrying men who they don't want to marry). They have led to many females being forced to stay home, being harassed, having no say in government, and have led to countless minds being told that they are nothing but a meal maker. BUT they hurt men too! Many men are made to believe this idea that you have to be a certain way to be a man; you have to be aggressive, you have to belittle women, but not so much that you don't have a woman, you have to be good at sports, you have to be a "man's man" and if you like to spend time with women you either have to be trying to seduce them or you are automatically homosexual and "girly." This is harmful. This is teaching society that being a woman is one thing and being a man is another and they are two completely different things that have nothing in common. Yet, we have a lot in common. We are people.

Everyone you meet has thoughts. Everyone you meet needs air. Everyone you meet needs food and water. Everyone you meet will form an opinion on you. Everyone you meet will have an opinion formed about them by you. Everyone you meet is trying to survive in this world. Yet, here we are separating people due to whether they have a penis or vagina, and if they are not separated they have to be reproducing. Because to be a man you must be focused on sex, and to be a woman you must be open to sex but not demand it.

So why do we polarize things? Why do cats and dogs hate each other? Why is it men against women? Why do we have "all a certain gender" schools? Why do we send boys to an all boys camp and girls to another? And why do we teach these boys and girls that being with someone of the other gender must be sexual or romantic? I have many male friends, and every single time I go out with them someone says "You make a cute couple" or "Hey nice girlfriend" or "I didn't know you had a boyfriend!" I don't, he is my friend, surprising I know. We make opposites up; we teach everyone that men and women are completely different creatures. When we are young children we don't realize that someone is a boy or girl and that they are different, we are taught that. This is why gender roles are harmful, because we are not only telling people who to be, we are telling them that those who are not like them cannot be trusted.

Now the reason I bring this up is because today, while discussing this essay that attacks male gender roles, someone went "Well is the author gay?" Then someone else commented "He's really feminine." Just let this sink in. It was just read that gender roles are harmful and being told that being a man is one thing, and nothing else, is hurtful, yet someone commented that the author was not a man.

THIS is why gender roles are harmful.

So proud

So two very important days were back to back and that was mental health awareness day on October 10 and national coming out day on October 11. And if you researched mental health or came out or anything on either of those days I want you to know that I am very proud of you.

Mental health awareness day is a day that I think it very important. As someone who has a lot of history with mental disease I find it very difficult and worrying how few people know about different diseases. It's concerning how often I have to explain what a mental disease is and what it entails, and even more concerning when people don't realize how much an impact those diseases have on a life. The problem with mental illnesses is that you don't see them, and they are often thought as "Well just get over it." When you are delusional, or have a dysmorphia, or a coping problem, or whatever you have it be, you don't just get over it. If you know someone going through this please research, educate yourself, especially if they are counting on you for support. Even research ways you could help or advice or something to answer a question they may have. And please, never tell someone to just get over it or that their disease isn't real. Please also realize that when you say "Oh my God my OCD is soooo bad today! lol!" or "I'm so ADD today!" or "She is totally bipolar" that is the equivilent of saying "I got a haircut and look like I have cancer." Shocking to hear when it is about a disease that everyone finds serious isn't it? People suffer from OCD and ADD and Bipolar Disorder and you have no right to make that disease a laughing matter.

Now for national coming out day! If you came out good for you! And if you are in the closet that's okay too! I'm proud of you either way! National coming out day really shows how far we are coming with the LBGT community, and we should all really appreciate how hard it is to come out and to share your sexuality. Even if you are straight, you should appreciate this extremely difficult and scary process.

If you have a family who accepted you you should be extremely happy and proud of them, and if your family did not accept you, know that there are tons of other people, including me, who do. I am so proud of you for being able to love yourself and know that you are important.

If you need to talk please feel free to go to my Tumblr, incoerciblelifeblog.tumblr.com and message me about anything you want/need. I am always open to chat. I love all you special munchkins, whether you are LBGT, supporting of LBGT, suffering from a mental illness, or know someone who is and I hope you all are so happy. <3

To anyone who looks at other people as object.

Most of you, I hope, have heard about the recent allegations against the youtuber Sam Pepper. I saw a tweet by Jack Howard saying "Please don't watch Sam Pepper's new video" and not knowing what it was about I immediately went to see what it was (this was before there was talk about it). I couldn't get through one minute of it. What is funny is that about a day after this I had an old man come up to me in a store, the only moment I was alone (looking for socks), and say "And what's your name?" Then as I smiled politely and walked away he called me a pretty nasty name. I was upset and I wanted to leave the store, especially when an employee who obviously did not hear the situation said "Oh well, he probably just thought you worked hear. Did you hear what he said?" I felt ashamed, I felt uncomfortable, and I lied saying I had not heard what he had said to me.

I'm bringing these things up because they are important things to realize and pay attention to. Too often we say "Well as long as you know how to defend yourself it's an okay way to live," and it's not. I don't go shopping for you to come up and ask about my day, what I'm looking for, what my name is,  unless you are an employee and your purpose is to assist me if I need assistance. And Sam Pepper's video took this even further.

To the people who see other human's as play things, think. Stop, and think. Because that human is not a play thing for you to go and pull "jokes" on, especially if those "jokes" are assault. I don't really care what your reasoning was (I refused to watch his videos justifying his actions), it was assault. When a person makes it obvious that they aren't interested, don't act like they are wrong for that. They aren't interested in you, for varying reasons. When someone does not sleep with you don't call them names or a prude, they have real reasons as to why they said no. Please don't expect someone to "repay" you for an action that they thoughts you did out of kindness, because the would probably go back and do it themselves. Now, to the person who stopped when someone said no, good on you. To the person who understand when another human isn't interested, thank you. To the person who stands up when another person is hurt or assaulted, you are valued. And no, I haven't had all of these things happen to me personally, but they do happen. They will never stop, but if everyone took a step just declaring that these actions are WRONG we would not only be able to unite and take steps to better the situation, but we would also be able to see who thinks this is okay.

Some videos about this situation: Consent by Jack and Dean, and SupDaily06

I hope you all are doing well and adjusting, I finally am. I also am going to have a bit of a haul, showing what I've bought and maybe how I'm decorating for Halloween? :) Love you munchkins, remember to speak out. 

Camo

I really am not normally one to go out and shop a lot but I haven't been shopping in a really long time actually and I went on an account and found some extra funds and I went CRAZY. I am definitely a cheap person, I mean I have my nice items but I'm the type of gal who puts one item down before I check out. And I don't buy things full price. Like ever. Not even my Coach bags were full priced. I like outlet stores and sales. So I went online shopping, which I haven't done since Christmas time of last year, and I'm so excited to actually get all my stuff!

I bought a lot of clothing which is not something I needed, but I have been craving camo pants. I am someone who would normally gag if you offered me camo, but the other day I went into Gap and saw camo pants. I was really excited but then I saw they were sixty bucks and went "Uhm no." So the pants were put back. Then I was on Forever 21 and found THESE and I bought them even though they were full priced. They are so super bad ass and would look so great with a red lip, which is my signature look. I also found shorts that were not super short (I have long legs, and my thighs don't have a thigh gap so short shorts are not my cup of tea) so I had to get those because I find it so hard to find a good length of short for myself. I also bought bathing suites which were 8-11 dollars (US dollars). I then bought the MOST 90's thing I think I ever could have bought which surprised me because it totally isn't my style. I went onto H&M, one of my favorite stores, and bought a black denim top that is called the denim bustier top. I can't even find it anymore but I will totally be posting pictures of everything when it gets here (couple of days). The shirt was only 7 dollars so even if I only wear it a couple of times I won't feel too badly. I also went into the home section of the website and I was really surprised at how nice it was. I got This knit pillow because it looks so comfy and if the Knit throw wasn't so expensive I would have bought that too.

I got a lot, and you guys will surely be seeing it along with a million pictures and maybe a video? I really needed some retail therapy and I think I am most excited for that pillow. IT LOOKS SO COMFY. Hope you guys are having a good week and transitioning into school well. <3

Don't even know what to call this.

So I have had a very rough week consisting of fear, lack of sleep, no therapy, panic attacks, depression and a lot of new things happening that are just not in my comfort zone. After all of this I went to therapy to find out my therapist was again not there and I just decided that my needs weren't being met (which isn't the therapist's fault, just a bunch of life things) and that I needed to move on to a new therapist. I have met this new therapist once and I feel so hopeful, and so positive, and so much better. I feel like I will be okay.
Now there are a lot of things I've been wanting to talk about, from the normal transition from high-school to college, to suicide, to explaining depression/anxiety/OCD/any other emotional or mental problem, to telling you guys about my bad week at the beginning of the summer when I dropped off of the face of the Earth for a bit, to my past week of hardships. And I have no clue where to start because I am so passionate about all of these subjects so it's becoming a struggle for me to process my thought. Also it's a little bit difficult for me to relive bad moments because I don't like to think about them, no one does. So I think I will start with some vague problems I face and that bad week in the beginning of the summer.

I have a couple of issues that we won't dive too deep into, but I have had a different childhood which is vaguely explained somewhere on here. Maybe one day when I am older I will decide to share it, but I would prefer not to at this moment. And I have a type of depression, which I would prefer to not go into specifically. I am sorting out whether I have an anxiety disorder or if I just have a lot of fear due to life things. Now my depression happens randomly, sometimes a lot sometimes a little, and it's something that I will always have (I plan on explaining how these things won't necessarily leave, but you learn how to cope, in the near future). Because of this I will get random weeks of sadness. I also am a terrible sleeper, so that adds stress. Now that you know all of that I will go into what I went through in the beginning of the summer.

If you suffer from any type of depression you understand how much of a different sadness it is, if you don't I will explain. I personally just lose all wants to do anything, and if I do try to distract myself I will try to sleep and just want to cry. I don't really have any triggers either, I just wake up super sad and can't shake it. I am also a very rough it and tough it gal, so it takes a lot for me to admit defeat. So what you do is bury and bury and bury and it eats you up until you just can't do anything anymore. In the beginning of the summer I had graduated, but it wasn't something that triggered it. I think graduation, while it made me happy, didn't make me too excited. Probably in the end of June, I just felt sad one day. I felt it happen, I got really pissy, I got very angry, I became extremely emotional, and I didn't want to do anything. And I felt like that for a good week or two. I didn't want to wake up to an extreme extent, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to work, I didn't want let anyone near me, I just wanted to hide in my bed and cry. And it is a sick, horrible, desperate cry. I didn't cry because I was sad, I cried because I just wanted it to stop. I cried because I wanted life to stop. And that is what depression is, a lost of hope and joy, and even in those few moments where you feel hopeful and joyful, the second it's over you plummet. You hit rock bottom. I got to a point where everything just seemed like it had no purpose, I had no purpose, my life had no purpose, the Earth had no purpose. I personally, will stop eating, and sleeping, and it becomes a battle for me to eat and I have to wait until I pass out to sleep. I don't know why it happened, but it did. And it continued for quite some time and became a really sh*tty time.

After about a week I slowly came out if my trance of sadness and I re-adjusted into my normal, remotely bubbly, very sassy, bit smart-assy, self. And if you are going through it I know it sucks. I know how sh*tty it can be, and I don't even have full on depression. And it will get better, you will most likely never be perfect, BUT you will get better with time. You will keep fighting and trying as hard as your little heart can, and I will be fighting right along with you. Your big black dog will start to get smaller and stop biting at your heals, and you will be happy. Maybe you will even be able to tell the dog when to leave and it will remotely listen. Good lucky little fighters.

Naps

So right now I'm tired and groggy and just a bit of a mess. Some of you dear readers may know that I suffer from nightmares. Now I understand that everyone gets nightmares, but I have nightmares six days out of the week. I also have a lot of struggle falling asleep because while trying to fall asleep my mind will race and I will think of sad and stressful things. My most recent way of dealing with this has been napping, which seems to work well. But I just tried to take a nap and my mind started stressing about work, and school, and all of those lovely bits. So now I'm tired, I'm out of breath, and I am stressed. I do have a post that I am going to post in a minute and I may write some more. I was just wondering do any of you suffer from this? Do you feel bad? Are you stressed about school? Do you have trouble sleeping? Tell me about it. We can help each other with some advice. I find what helps me fall asleep is documentaries. I find them relaxing because while watching them I feel like I am bettering my life, plus they always have really soothing voices. So I recommend those. I hope you all are doing alright and not freaking out about school and work and life.

What depression does.- Warning: Is about depression.

What depression does

Is eat you from the inside.

It is a parasite that no one can view.

What depression does

Is take away your life.

It is a battle that you are always fighting.

What depression does

Is show you other options.

It makes horrible things seem oh so nice.

What depression does

Is control your mind.

It is a demon that you always will fight.

What depression does

Is cause you to forget happy moments.

It will steal them and make them the worst.

What depression has done

Is convince people to hurt themselves.

It has made them resort to horrible things to feel/get high/get noticed.

What depression has done

Is take countless lives.

It has made people believe they weren't worth air.

What depression has done

Is rape us of happy moments.

It has made me, and many others, hate beauty.

What depression does

Is eat you from the inside.

It is a parasite that no one can view...

This was inspired by some things written by different people about Robin Williams' death, and while no one knows his story I just got to writing due to it and things I was reading. I am not claiming to know the situation. I just decided to write about my experience and let loose.

Robin Williams

Read about Robin Williams' death here. Can't believe this, he was really great. He was so funny and just was a major part of a lot of people's childhood's of the newer generations especially. Can't believe this.

Let's talk about catcalling

So I am a female and like most females I have been catcalled. Now for you people out there, male or female, wondering why this is bad I will explain to you and tell you what has gone through my mind when I was catcalled, and what goes through my mind when anything really makes me uncomfortable. First let me list the problems with catcalling: #1 Let me explain to you that being catcalled is not attractive no matter how you look. #2 There is a difference between flirting with me and catcalling. You should know this difference. #3 I don't need you to shout and hoot and tell me about the things you want to do with this vessel that is holding my mind and soul. #4 Catcalling assumes that I want you to touch me, I don't. Maybe I did before you opened your mouth, but I especially don't now. #5 I know I look attractive, and you can appreciate that without making me feel as if you may force yourself upon me. #6 When you catcall you are making yourself look ignorant to my feelings and thoughts, to be honest you probably are ignorant to them. You are displaying your ignorance. You should tuck that away. #7 For all you know I have crippling social anxiety and what you just said caused me to go home and either drink, overdose, or have a terrible panic attack. Thanks. #8 I don't catcall you, if I think you look good I will either not do anything or I will want to learn more about you so I can judge your personality. Because humans are more than their looks. And I am human. #9 You are making me out to be a sex object. I am not a sex object. And #10 You do not wish women would catcall, and you will hopefully have some understanding as too why you don't wish that by the end of this piece.

Now I will go into what I have felt personally the first time I was catcalled. I was thirteen years old walking to a park alone, when a car drove past full of about five men who decided to honk and shout at me. This is what went through my mind and has stayed there ever since. This list will include some things that went through my mind in other situations as well.

• "Please don't stop the car. Please. Please don't stop the car."
• "Pretend to talk to someone on the phone. They won't come after you if they think you are speaking to someone."
• "Call dad. Call mom. Call your brother. Call someone. Anyone. Call."
• "How does anyone think that is attractive? It is gross."
• "Please don't stop the car. Please just drive away. Please drive away."
• "What will I do if they stop the car? There are five of them. I only have one of me."
• "I can't run away in these pants."
• "Where is my ride? When will they get here?"
• "Please don't stop the car."
• "Just keep walking."
• "I can't flip them off, if I do that they may stop."
• "Please don't stop the car."
• "I don't want to get hurt. Don't let them hurt me."
• "Why did I wear these jeans? They're too tight. I should have worn sweatpants."
• "How old do they think I am?"
• "Please don't stop the car."
• "Please don't hurt me."
• "If I make it out of this I will go right home and throw away these jeans."
• "Please don't stop the car."

Now I will move onto random times where people have made me uncomfortable.

• "Why are you standing so close? You didn't stand that close with that guy who helped you earlier."
• "Don't touch me to show me. You didn't touch the other associate. Use your words."
• "I need to let them know where I'm going so if something goes wrong they will know where I am."
• "I need an approximate time as to when I should be home so that if I'm not back someone knows."
• "Please don't put your hand on my knee. I didn't do anything to show you I would enjoy that."
• "I have breasts, please remember that when you are trying to touch my arm (which is not something I even remotely want you to do as I don't know you and I'm just trying to help you out as is in my job description). I don't want my breasts touched."

As you can see these are some things that just have happened to me. Here is a bonus, advice I have received from other people I know and some advice that you may want. If you are a male you may have never heard of this advice but I think it's good to know because men can get hurt too.

• Don't leave your drink unattended, even if you are at someones house.
• Don't get out off your car if it breaks down.
• Don't let the cab driver drop you off or pick you up at your house.
• Don't let your date who you have never personally met pick you up or drop you off at your house.
• Don't sit in your car in a parking lot. Get in your car and leave.
• Do have a dog.
• Do keep your keys in your bedroom so that way if you don't have any service in your house you can set off your car alarm and someone will know.
• Do tell someone where you are going and with who.
• Do tell someone when you expect to be home.
• Do know what you could use to defend yourself if the need comes up.
• Do expect the worse and hope for the best.

I understand that this seems paranoid but really a lot of bad things can happen to anyone. You should always have a way out. Remember that you have a right to say no and that if someone does not respect that you have the right to take action.

And if you are a man who catcalls, remember that list of thoughts. Remember that that person has thoughts and opinions just like you do. Remember that person could have a family, remember those things. Remember that they are not there for you to stare at. Remember that you may possibly have a daughter one day. Remember that your female cousin or sister or aunt or grandmother or mother could have this happening at that exact moment or could have had it happen before. Remember your future daughters. Remember your future spouses. Remember how horrible it feels when someone scares you. Remember your dignity and forget your ignorance.

Go buy happy little pill.

Go buy happy little pill on iTunes by TroyE Sivan. Go. I love him. He's great. He's wonderful. Preorder TRYXE. Love him. Watch his videos. Support him. Love him again. Become obsessed. He's wonderful. Listen to him whenever possible. Oh and remember it's TroyE. Not Troy. Troy would be too basic. (Not that that is a basic name, just he needs the extra letter.)

Fun things I've done these past few weeks.

I actually had a reason for disappearing, I went on a mini vacation and in that vacation I had no wifi. I also went to a life guarding course right before my vacation, literally I came home the last day of the course packed my bag and left. The course lasted about 6-8 hours on varying days causing me to be very tired and have little to no time to blog. I do recommend that if you want to have a good vacation to go somewhere, alone or with someone, that has no wifi and bring a book you've been meaning to read. It's nice to actually read a book you like and just relax. You also feel more motivated to go and do things that you normally would not do. I do have a more... interesting and opinionated blog post that I am deciding if I should post. I do plan on writing about my funk probably tomorrow. Hope you guys are having a great summer!

Girl cuts finger! Warning little bit bloody.

So I would have vlogs up for you but they have decided to stop working to I will restart tomorrow. Until then I should tell you what happened earlier today. I don't keep my shaving razor hung up because our bathroom was recently remodeled, so instead I keep it in a drawer. Now in my tired morning state I reached into said drawer and suddenly felt an odd sensation. I wasn't in much pain but I was extremely uncomfortable and I couldn't tell what was wrong. It felt as though my skin was being peeled. I stood for a moment to finally come to the realization that I was bleeding and that my razor was digging into my skin, lifting it away from my body. Now what really sucks is that there is this like bit of skin still attached and it is very uncomfortable.

I would show you a picture but I have somehow put my band aids on perfectly and I would prefer not to mess them up, as I am pretty sure my finger is still bleeding. So instead I will show you a screen shot. Today I am not really doing anything interesting other than cutting my fingers apparently. I have to go to work and all of that jazz, I may actually film a get ready with me video. Figured that that may be fun to do. Sorry if this is a little TMI but you know, blogging about my life and such.
Check out my most recent video here.

I slept so badly

So it is easy to say that I am a night owl, but in about a week I am going to start intensive lifeguard training which means I need to wake up before 8:00 a.m.. Now this would be okay, except for the fact that I normally stay up until 3:00 a.m. and sleep until 11:00 a.m. on average. So I am in the process of trying to make it so that I have the ability to wake up earlier than I usually do to prevent losing sleep the night before I go to training. I have also been watching a lot of horror movies and thrillers. These two things are not a good mix.

So I am trying to figure out a good nighttime routine that will allow me to fall asleep quickly and relaxed. I plan on using the internet for help and hopefully some psychological/brain practices that will help my mind rest. So blah blah enough about my problems.

I was curious as to what kind of sleepers you guys were? Does it take you a good hour to fall asleep on average (that is me)? Or can your head hit the pillow and you are lights out at a moments notice? Do you have a specific routine? Do you just go about your night randomly? Do you sleep better if you are up later? Do you sleep with the t.v. on? Give me some tips and some information about yourself.
Also watch my youtube video here if you want some cool outfit inspiration. I will have a vlog up later today. Bye munchkins! <3

It's up!

Here is the video! Hope you guys like it. This is probably one of my favorite outfits and I really like the hair so I am going to try and prefect that in the near future.

OOTD?

I am uploading a video at this very moment! It's an OOTD from yesterday! I'm also vlogging today! So productive! So here is a photo from yesterday! <3 I will probably be writing a blog post today too!

I went through a funk.

Okay so I think due to all the changes going on in my life I went through a really bad little week or so and I'm just getting over it. I just kind of wanted to hide for a bit and sit and watch Bunny's videos because they made me feel better a little bit. I'm sorry for all of this, but I am also having a problem with my face and breakouts and my weird thing where I itch myself in my sleep and just so much happening. Also the month of June is normally a hard month for me in general because it's the month that my mother passed and I am always stressed and just everything became a hot mess during my happy excited summer.

Good thing, I am feeling better. I rode it out and I am now getting back on my feet. I will go into the actual funk at a later date, and I will go into the whole death thing and how that goes at a later date. I really just want to get everything together and steady and feel like myself before I talk about the whole funk. 

I am a lot more motivated, but I have not started vlogging because I'm really just doing boring things of applying to college and trying to find a new job and some other needed but very uninteresting things. Once my actual summer starts I will vlog but until then please forgive the lack of my face, it's such a beautiful face how do you live without it (sarcasm)? I also am going to really clean out my room (it became a second priority with school and it has become a hot mess). I have also bought a new pair of boots because it is too hot for my high brown ones and I now can wear boots year round and I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. 

I'm sorry for the lack of posts, I hope you all are doing alright. Tell me how your week/summer/June month has been and we can discuss. Love you munchkins.

I'm back!

Hi munchkins! I have now graduated and finished my high school career! This means that I will be blogging and I am actually going to start vlogging (video blogging). I think that it will be interesting to document my summer before college and my adventure into adulthood. And to be able to look back on all of the fun and not so fun stuff. I hope you all stick with me and feel free to offer me advice and talk to each other! I will be starting the vlogging today because I graduated yesterday and then just went to work (so exciting) and came home. Some interesting things are I have not seen the new OITNB because I wouldn't let myself watch it due to having to finish school. I also have not seen Sherlock or played any video games in probably a month. I am excited to get back to all of that. I hope you guys enjoy this summer and if you are still in school GOOD LUCK!!! <3 Please visit my youtube channel if you want to see what's happening this summer. <3 :)

Self harm

If you, or someone you know, or maybe you just want to know more about self harm read this. I hope it helps you or someone you know, please remember to tell someone and get help. You aren't alone, I know it feels like you are, but you really aren't. I love you <3

There may not be many blog posts

So I'm cramming to get school done so I may not be posting anything for a month or two, but the second I'm done I'm sure that I will be posting tons of stuff. Plus I may be starting my own website and leaving this blog (don't worry I will transfer everything over.) I hope all of you are well and having no problems in life, and if you are in school good luck!

Social medias

So I was watching a My Drunk Kitchen episode and I thought of something I wanted to comment, but when I went to comment I decided against it.
I don't really know why but I didn't feel comfortable leaving a comment on Youtube. I felt like there was more hate on Youtube than anywhere else, now this really isn't true but that is where my mind quickly went. I found this interesting, and was wondering if any of you guys go through this? Do you have any social media where you feel safer sharing your opinions than others? I really feel like I can express myself on Tumblr, but not so much on Twitter and definitely not on Facebook. I think it's silly but I suppose it's kind of like people, certain people you can open up to and others you can't. I feel like there is so much hate on the internet that it's hindering people's want to share their thoughts.
What are your opinions? Do you have your favorite social media site? Do you avoid sharing you internet opinion?

I have an unpopular opinion.

So I read something the other day about how girls feel like they "Have to wear makeup" because of "Society."

No. No one is forcing you to wear makeup, no one is forcing you to dress a certain way, no one is forcing you to do anything, you just aren't saying no. It's easier to fit in with the norm, but blaming society for the fact that you feel a need to wear makeup isn't right. I live in the same society as you do, and the only reason I wear makeup is because it makes ME happy.

You can't blame society for those little things, what you have to do is realize that you are a fully functioning human being who wakes up in the morning and says "Well I guess I'm wearing makeup today." Society doesn't come to your house and put on your foundation or eyeliner, that is your hand. Society doesn't choose the bra you wear, the shirt you wear, or the pants you wear, you do that.

Stop doing things because you think that they are the norm and are easier than being different, and then complaining about society. We live in a world where people will push things off so that nothing is their fault; it's society's fault, or their parent's fault, or their neighbor's fault, and while this is true with some things, it's not true with everything it is used for. You can't blame society for the fact that you do the things you do. That is your choice. You have every right to say no, and stop blaming society for the fact that you aren't doing what makes you happy. You are the only one who can make you unhappy, don't say "Oh well if I don't do what society says I will get discriminated against." Guess what? Everyone is discriminated against by someone. There is someone out there who would be utterly appalled by the way you're living your life. We need to stop caring about what all these people are saying, if you don't want to wear makeup, don't. If you don't want to wear a bra, don't. No one is going to force you, say no.

The problem is that everyone needs an outside reason to not do something, when in all reality you cannot do something because you don't want to. People need an outside reason to not wear makeup, or to wear makeup, it's never "I don't wear makeup because I don't like it" or "I wear makeup because I like makeup." People decide to use "I don't wear it because it oppresses women" or "I wear makeup because society makes me feel like I need it" a majority of the time. You can't blame society for making you wear makeup or dressing a certain way or feeling a certain way, you should notice that mankind has this need to have an outside reason for things. It's because we are intelligent, and in being intelligent, humans need justification that is more than a simple "I like it."

I know I'm ranting, but jeez we need to stop society blaming. There is no progression with society blaming, we need to own up to our actions and say "You know what? I put on my own makeup and clothes every day and if I don't like what I'm wearing I'm changing it." If you don't like makeup don't wear it, if you do like makeup do wear it, and when someone asks why just say "I like it." That's all you need, you don't need the fact that you are against the oppression of women given by makeup or that you feel pressured, and if you do feel pressured to buy makeup take a step back and realize that no one really cares. I guarantee you that if you decide to not wear makeup that no one will notice or care. You find wearing makeup to be a big deal but remove yourself, if your coworker came in without makeup on would, you care? No. You would POSSIBLY notice a difference but then carry on with your day.

Okay I think I'm done ranting I just had to get it off my chest. Stop feeling the need to justify what you do, and stop blaming other people for what you do, your actions are your own. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself and you should do what makes you happy.  I will probably rant about this more in the future, and I'm sorry that this doesn't really have anything to do with guys, but I am female so I can only speak what I know.

Rain

It's raining... I love it. Twinkle lights and rain make my night... I love the sound of the earth being washed... it’s like the rain is taking all of the anger and stress and cleansing it…. It’s beautiful… It’s one of my favorite things… sitting and closing my eyes while it rains… It’s the most relaxing thing I know… no matter what is happening the rain can calm me…. It makes me become at peace with my life and realize that I can only move forward….. I love the rain…. I wish you would love it with me… 

Sorry it's so short but it was just something that happened spontaneously. I hope you all are having a nice rainy night. 

I got off for the day!

I got a surprise off day and now I have nothing to do? Maybe someone could give me advice? Thinking about going shopping, it's way too cold to go to the beach but I really want to. All of my friends seem to be busy.

What do you guys like to do to relax? I figured this was a pretty good idea for a post. Do you like rainy days that are warm or cold? Do you like hot sunny days or cold? Maybe you like snow? Do you like to read or go out? Maybe you like to shop? Maybe you like to sleep? I personally like to read, and shop. I like to go to the beach and for the days to be nice and warm. I like for it to rain later at night as I read a book.

So what is your favorite thing to do?

I wrote a thing!

The world isn’t perfect.

No matter what you will get bullied.

No matter what you will get discriminated against.

No matter what you will get told that you can’t do it.

These are things that will always happen. It doesn’t matter what you do there will always be negative people. We need to stop trying to erase negativity because it will always be there, what we need to do is teach each other how to cope.

I had a really hard time accepting this and had to go to damn THERAPY to learn it. And I think it’s time I shared.

I have read posts today on social media that were wrong on every end. 

There were people complaining that they don’t get treated like a beautiful woman does.

There were people complaining that they do get treated like a beautiful woman does.

There were people complaining that they are a straight, average, white person and that they are punished for that.

There were people complaining that they were not a straight, average, white person and that they are getting punished for that. 

These post were not wrong for their feelings, they weren’t wrong for the expressions. They were wrong because they are trying to change other people, and that no one is realizing that everyone has a hard time in life.

You can only change yourself.

That is the cold, honest truth. You can only change yourself permanently. You can voice your opinion and change someone else’s mind, but the chances of that happening are slim, and that person will most likely have their mind changed once again by someone else.

So how about instead of telling the negativity to change, we change.

 We learn how to accept it, the fact that negativity is a part of life. We learn how to, instead of spreading it by complaints, how to diminish it by love and confidence. We learn the difference between venting and complaining. We learn how to punish those who are negative, by staying positive, instead of letting them punish us by bringing us down.

We need to stop thinking that negativity is a curable disease, it isn’t. Everyone is negative at some point, we need to focus on how we act, how we treat others, we need to change ourselves, and by doing that there will be less negativity.

We need to be more self-aware and less self-centered.

Negativity will never disappear, but if we learn how to cope with it it won’t affect us.

Then again, I guess I’m breaking my own rules by trying to change you.

This is a huge misconception

Dear people,

I was homeschooled. No I don’t have ten million friends. No I don’t hang out with my friends every week. Do you want to know why?

Because I don’t have the personality that wants to hang out with all of my friends every week/day. I have a job that requires me to interact with people all the time so when I get a day off I want to be alone and read and write and play video games and listen to music that I like and go on walks. Not because I don’t have friends just because I don’t want to hang out with people all the time. 

I had friends who came over every week and it became a tradition and as I got older that tradition really made me miserable. I hated having to stay up with them. I hated having to show them what I had in my house to eat. I hated having them make my room a mess or distracting me or making me go out when really I just wanted to stay home a while. I hated having to not be able to take a shower. Or not be able to snuggle up with a book and a bunch of other people out there are just like me and guess what? They go to school, they have jobs, they are happy. 

Society has made it seem that if you don’t go out every Saturday you are automatically miserable, which isn’t true for some of us. I am perfectly happy with staying home in my pajamas and reading a book. I don’t want your pity, you’re actually wasting it. You are wasting it on someone who is perfectly happy. I like myself, I like to spend time with myself, I don’t like to have to sit and chat or have awkward silence. Yeah, when I get the urge I hang out with my friends I do, but that isn’t every week and that’s okay. 

I feel like this is one of the biggest misconceptions about life, that when you don’t go out every week you are a loser with no friends. It’s rude when you look at someone and say “I wish you had more friends.” It’s actually really insulting. I have friends, but I don’t see them everyday and that is fine by me. So how about instead of worrying about how many “Friends” I have and how much I go out you just realize that I am happy and that you should worry about your own happiness.

Just because someone doesn't hang out with a bunch of people doesn't mean they are sad. So maybe just let it be, because everyone is different. I had a stage where my parents literally forced me to make friends and it was really a unhappy time. If you or someone you know doesn't like to go out every night that is okay, even though everyone is saying it's not. And just because someone is homeschooled doesn't mean that they have no idea how to socialize or interact with people. I have had jobs that involve customer service since I was fourteen and it really annoys me when people say "Well you don't know how to socialize." Guess what, I do. I have no problem interacting with people and being homeschooled has given me the ability to interact with anyone and everyone. I know how to talk to adults, kids, and people my own age with no trouble at all. That is a better representation of someone who is homeschooled, the only reason you even know about the un-socialized cases is because bad things are the only thing that anyone ever hears about especially in minorities. So stop judging and grouping everyone into stereotypes, it's unbecoming on humans. 

Youtube

I fell asleep with my video uploading and the upload failed, so I am still trying! If anyone knows of any good free editing software that would be great too! So since my video is taking so long I am going to tell you 15 of my favorite youtubers and link you to their profiles. Woo! (This list is in no specific order.)

1. Hannah Hart! She is awesome, she is funny, cute, and she is really a super nice person and if you don't watch her you should.

2. Tyler Oakley! He is awesome and cute and a super funny person with good causes behind him. I am definitely one of his people.
3. Grace Helbig! Grace Helbig is great because she doesn't have that many dirty jokes; she is surely not for little kids but she makes me laugh and smile.

4. Mamrie Hart! Who has no relation to Hannah Hart other than being great friends is perfect even if you don't like to drink, with her raunchy humor and drinks (if you drink you should watch her just for that) she is a bundle of fun. But do not watch her if you don't like horribly inappropriate humor.

5. Tim Helbig! Grace Helbig's younger brother is as funny as she is, and very smart. He has adorable, dorky humor and is the cutest!

6. Rose and Rosie! The cutest couple around! I love them, and you should love them! Just a bit inappropriate, but so is almost everyone else on this list, they are great! Go check them out! 

7. Dan! As in danisnotonfire! The only way I would understand you not knowing who Dan is if you never ever have seen a youtube video. Ever.

8. Phil! Phil is in the same boat as Dan, and if you don't know who he is you should.

9. Louis Cole! He is the king of eating nasty food and the king of adventure! He has really helped inspire my need to travel.

10. Jack and Finn Harries! These British cuties are great! And they are twins, or are they?! Is Finn a FAKE TWIN?! In all seriousness though these two are not only great youtubers but also great people.

11. Shane Dawson! With all of his horrible-ness there is something you have to love! Do not watch him if you are easily offended though, or faint of heart.

12. Tanya Burr! She is the prettiest of them all and can help you get that way too! A great makeup guru with an adorable personality to match this girl is great!

13. Zoe Sugg! Better known as Zoella she is the cutest little pea-head around! 

14. Troye Sivan! He is awesome! He is funny! He is cute! He is friends with Tyler Oakley! What more could you ask from him?! 

15. Louise! Or Sprinkleofglitter is a mommy, a vlogger, a wife, and beautiful all at once. If you really want to be inspired and made happy you should really check her out. She is just simply wonderful. 

None of these are unknown youtubers but maybe you will see someone you have never watched or you have forgotten about! Hope you all enjoy this list and get a chuckle from all these people! 

Frozen

I just saw frozen and my heart is just dying. I'm dying. And I filmed a video! I'm still uploading it. It's been uploading all day. I will hopefully be able to edit it by tomorrow..... BUT I'm doing it guys!

I'm starting a movement!

I'm writing this before I start to film a video about it, so that if some of you don't have time to watch the youtubes you can still get involved. A while back I made a post about weight right here and that really explains where this is coming from but as time passes it does continue to annoy me so I want to make a movement.

If you've read that post about weight you will know that something that annoys me is that people decide that to say something positive about their body, they must find something negative about someone else's. For example one I read quite often is "Who would want to be a stick? Men love curves." Or "I like my women with a little meat on their bones." I know that there are also things said from thin people like "Oh she's too big, I like to be fit and healthy." Or "I like my women skinny and healthy." But I more often see pages and websites dedicated to have body acceptance and love, but they quite often help increase hatred against bodies that are not curvy, which is going backwards. NOW there are a couple of things wrong with this.

#1 I quite often read comments of men saying "I like my women" and this is disrespectful. I understand that everyone has a preference but you don't need to parade your preference, yet you have that free right so I guess you can go ahead, even though I hate it. #2 On the many body acceptance pages there seems to be a bias towards heavy/curvy women. Not always by the page but by the followers. #3 Everyone seems to think they are a certified nutritionist who can tell everyone else, curvy or thin, that they aren't healthy. UNLESS YOU ARE SOMEONE'S DOCTOR YOU NEED TO STOP. YOU SHOULDN'T GO AROUND SAYING THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE'S HEALTH. It's rude. And #4 Why do we feel this need to defend ourselves by bringing others down? Why do you have to say "I love being curvy, plus who would want to be a twig?" Or "I love being thin, plus who would want to be obese?" Why can't you just stop at "I love being curvy." and "I love being thin." Or how about "I love my body because it's mine. And I'm beautiful." (Or handsome).

So this is where my movement is going to come in, tweet me @IncoercibleLife and #beautifulbodybecause, write on my Facebook Page use the #beautifulbodybecause, and follow the Tumblr and tag us there and use the # and just say "I love my body because" and then give your reason. Don't continue with "I love my body because it's curvy and I would never want to be a stick." Or "I love my body because it's thin and I like to be healthy." And guys you should get involved too because you guys can be really mean about body image.

I'm going to post a video for this too, so stay tuned. And remember, you are beautiful because you're you.

Q & A

So I'm doing a Q & A later at 8:00 (EST) so head over to www.tumblr.com/blog/incoerciblelifeblog and ask away. Feel free to ask anything having to do with being homeschooled, dealing with death, or dealing with mentally ill family.

life be hard man

So I got a tablet which means I'm most likely going to be blogging more which is great. Life is kinda difficult lately, I've had a recent death in the family causing this to be the third death of a family member of mine within two years. I really wasn't surprised that the person died (they were extremely old) but I really just had a huge problem with another person dying. It's difficult when it feels like everyone you know is passing and it's really hard because death seams to just come in so nonchalant. You think death is going to be this huge thing and it really is someone just saying "this person died" and it feels very... odd. I mean death is such a horrible thing and it just seams to sit there with you not realizing it's there and then randomly joins your life. Like a person you haven't heard from for years deciding to drop by without any warning. It's uncomfortable, and I've never been afraid of death but I'm running out of people to lose and it scared me. I mean it really messed me up, and freaked me out. But back to the whole death thing, I think a real problem with death is that it just drops in. Which is the scariest  part because you never expect it. You just go through life and death will just pop in. It's surprising and I think that that surprise is the worst part. Because we can't  say goodbye and predict when death is happening we feel cheated by it. Especially when it is taking so many people from us at once, and no matter what there is no way to fix that. To be honest I don't even know why I'm writing this because I have no way of helping anyone go through it, it just has to happen.

So I hope you guys are having a good time, and if you are going through that cheated stage it will get better and I am here for you. Hope you all are good munchkins.

There is so much to do in the world

I am having a good day actually. I am actually thinking about the things I want to do so I figured I should list them.

1. I want to travel, I want to go anywhere and everywhere.
2. I want to write, hopefully as my career.I love to write.
3. I want to have a farm, a small farm but a farm.
4. I want to start riding horses again, western riding, back down to my roots.
5. I want to be more confident in the things I do; question myself less.
6. I want to go to college and figure out what do to with my life.
7. I want to take more pictures, I don't take enough pictures of my life.
8. I want a pet pig, probably not this year, but in the near future.
9. I want to smile more, and laugh more.
10. I want to spend less time worrying and more time being happy.

So what do you guys want to do? I know this is a little late but I wasn't really feeling the new year.

Spanking.

So I have a feeling this blog post will be talked about if not screamed about, but it is something that bothers me. Parents who argue that spanking or humiliating is the only form of discipline and that this era of kids are all spoiled brats if they don't get spanked. How about this, in one house I got spanked, got my mouth washed out with soap, got cussed at, got screamed out, and basically got punished horribly in ways that are not right to go into right now. In the other house I didn't, and in the other house I was happier, not "Oh here I don't get punished" but in a "Here I won't be hurt physically and am given the respect of being talked to," now I'm not saying that kids aren't disrespectful, ALL kids are at some point (you were too, you just don't remember), some more than others, but when you argue that you got spanked and were fine #1 you are saying society shouldn't progress in its parenting methods and #2 you aren't fine because you think it's okay to hit people.

Now this is where you may be saying "I don't hit people." And that is false because children are people, they have minds and feelings and are much more intelligent than anyone gives them credit for.  You also have to think back, when you were spanked did you stop doing the act or did you stop doing it in front of the person who would spank you? I'm also not saying every kid is the same, at some point in their life a child may need to be spanked, but that should not be a first resort. Your first resort should be to sit down and talk to that tiny human being, because if a child has some type of anxiety disorder, or depression, or whatever, and you don't know about it during a young age, that could totally worsen it.

Now here is something I am going to do that a lot of people don't do. I, as a young adult, am going to tell you ways I wish someone would have handled punishment with me in one house and the way they did handle it with me in another.
1: Talk. Yes that child can talk and explain and retain information thanks to you and nature. So if you calmly explain to a child what is wrong and why then, even if you don't realize it, they will think about it more.
2: Remember that humiliation will cause that person to humiliate, you always hear how bullies were/are once bullied (I'm not saying you or your child are bullies just listen). The same happens when children are humiliated, also it is much easier for children to be hurt on a core level because they don't know what real pain is and children are judged much more by their piers than adults are.
3: Pick what actions need consequences from you. If your kid is lactose intolerant and he eats ice-cream when you said no, you don't have to yell at him. That is his choice and man he is going to suffer and slowly learn he probably shouldn't eat ice-cream. If your kid goes to a party and stays out past curfew, yeah you should probably ground them and take away their phone and some other stuff, but you should explain why it upsets you and the dangers.
4: Start when a kid is young. Yeah, when your kid is crying at four years old it's easier to just give them the thing they want, but no one is going to like that kid when he is ten years old and throwing a fit.
5: Have steady rules that are communicated. Hell think of rules together, then sit down and discuss each rule and its reasoning. People will follow rules a lot more if you explain them and they will grow a sense of responsibility.
6: Just talk. They have a voice and opinions just like you, and those opinions are just as valid. Kids are not these evil little monsters who have no conscience, they just need help finding theirs. You have to help them with that by teaching by example and explaining the entire way.

I'm not saying let your kid do whatever they want, give them consequences and make them think, but you don't have to hit them or make them eat soap or scream as a first resort. Talk to them and give them respect because they are trying to understand the world and follow all these different rules when no one gives them respect. That's hard for them, everyone snubs them because they are a kid, which in certain situations can be extremely difficult because you don't get to speak up in your own life. And if you need some help and your kid is extra difficult, get some. Communicate, respect, and realize that you are raising a small, innocent, sooner-than-you-think-to-be-adult.

Hope you munchkins are having a good day!

Let's talk about... love

I was talking to a friend of mine about love and I started thinking about it, I think that a lot of people have an unrealistic notion about love.

Love isn't when someone is perfect, or you start to think they are perfect. Love isn't about denying someone's faults, love is about noticing that someones isn't perfect and still staying with them. Love is about looking past faults and problems unknowingly and being happy with that. Love isn't something you try for, it's just something that happens. You don't have to look for love because love isn't something you can find, love finds you. When you least expect it, love finds you, and it can leave you at anytime. There are different types of love as well, there is a blind liking which fools you into believing it's love, there is a love that you obtain at birth and no one really knows why, there is love that sneaks up on you and pounces like a tiger, and there is love that you obtain from loyalty. Sometimes I question if the loyalty type of love is real love, or if it's just the mind being mistaken. There is a blinding connection that we mistake for love as well, this idea that the person we "love" will never have any flaws. I think this connection is easy to mistake for love because it is so close to actual love, where in pure love we see flaws in bright red but we accept and try to improve them, while in this blinding connection you can't see flaws. Not being able to see and accept flaws shows a lack of truth within oneself and that will cause someone to have a lack of truth with other.

At least that is my opinion, what are yours?